Glimmers of an alcohol-free life accompanied pregnancy pauses and a couple abstinence periods in my 30s and 40s. Yet, there were always jobs to assign in our alcohol-saturated society where groupthink tells us it's odd not to drink. Raising three kids with countless appointments, lunches to pack, games to chauffeur, birthday parties to plan, etc. while caring for aging parents necessitated a return to overdrinking and alcohol's job #8 to stimulate or calm my inner exhausted parent. When I put professional aspirations on hold to focus solely on young kids, incessant worry about my eventual career return triggered yet another frequent job for alcohol. 

The luster was wearing thin, and the "why do you keep doing this?" noise in my head was getting harder to ignore. Yet, the moderation cycle ensued…I’d stop; then restart; then the 3:00 am self-loathing would return. What example was I setting for my kids? The guilt. The shame. When I wasn't drinking, I was still always thinking about drinking – either how not to do it or when I could do it next. What were the rules du jour? Despite knowing how much better I felt without it (I now had plenty of proof), I couldn't imagine life without alcohol. How could I be the world's greatest juggler without my crutch?  

How could I handle stress, pain and anxiety? How could I celebrate life and have fun? Who or what would handle alcohol’s jobs?